The Top Ten Sports D-Bags of 2010

Ah the power of technology. I'm currently blogging from the blizzard in downtown Cleveland. Why not? Not like I'm actually moving.

Recently E! released their Top Ten douche bags of 2010 list. The problem is, douche-baggery reaches farther than Hollywood and W. 6th. With that in mind here are the Top Ten Sports Douches of 2010.

10. Grady Sizemore

Mr. Sizemore is on this list for one reason: junk pictures. You can't be sending pictures of the Sizemores out like that. What were you thinking? Props on Brittany Binger though. I lived next to her hillbilly cousin in BG. He would brag about her being in Playboy and being hot. He was right.

9. The dude who wore the Heat jersey to the Indians game

Look man. Cleveland just lost the guy they adored. He dissed us on national television. Lied to us for most of a decade. We're likes to fight city, and we need somewhere to channel our rage. So what do you do? Wear a James Heat jersey to Progressive Field. Did you not realize these people were so crazy that they were still going to Indians games? Your lucky you only got showered with boos and beer.

8. Guys who say the Cleveland title drought is over

I stopped watching the WWE when I hit puberty. I'm told some guy named the Mizz is the champ and he's from Cleveland. I DON'T CARE. That has nothing to do with the championship drought here, and the joke is not funny. Stop saying this guy has ended the Cleveland title drought. You people would be #1 if there weren't so many scumbag athletes.

7. Terrelle Pryor

Sorry Buckeye Nation. Sometimes you gotta smack one of your own. And TP needs to just shut up. You’re the quarterback at THE Ohio State University. Stop talking about playing basketball. You have a great tradition. Don’t call a former player a fake Buckeye. Wisconsin dominated you in a game where you weren't a difference maker. Don't call out your teammates when you didn't show up. And definitely don't say you are a better team when the Badgers manhandled you.

6. Cavs

I won't waste too much time on you Cavs. Just know you had a chance to stand up for your city and you chose to bow to LBJ. Thanks to you, it's time to Thunder Up!

5. Joakim Noah

Hands down the ugliest chick I've ever seen. Every time I see his grille I think "It's bad man."

4. Braylon Edwards

When you suck at your job, you should just keep your mouth shut. But that hasn't stopped Braylon from calling out teammates and deflecting blame. To top it off, Braylon couldn't find the high road if the map was tattooed on his forehead. He continues to take shots at Cleveland. Like somehow he can't believe people would call him out for being a top pick who blew for most of his career here.

3. Lebron James

You all know the story with this doucher. The first NBA star to ever voluntarily play the Scottie Pippen role. For me to not put him at #1, people had to really offend my values and sensibilities. And these next two definitely did…

2. Ben Roethlisberger

When Eminem raps about rape and calls himself "Slim Roethlisberger," that's not good. Athletes live a lavish lifestyle, but apparently Ben prefers the bathroom to the champagne room. Incredible that he’s not in jail. I don’t care if the police couldn’t build a case. Something dangerous and wrong happened in that bathroom. This guy is such a douche that he doesn't even need to be a Steeler for people to hate him. Being himself is more than enough. No means no Ben.

1. Tiger Woods

Arguably the biggest story in the history of golf, and it has nothing to do with golf. Tiger playing hide the hot dog with every skank in America. The funny thing is, people forgive athletes all the time. But the way he handled it just brought the circus on himself and his family. Some people believe athletes aren't role models. Well tell that to the millions (AND MILLIONS!) of Tiger’s fans who bought into his brand because they believed it was wholesome. He fooled everybody, and is still defiant. For that, he is 2010’s biggest douche of the year.

Still stuck in traffic. Right now, consider Tiger keeping his slot warm for the snowplows that aren’t out.

Bye Bye Cavs

I tried to take a few days to calm down, and it hasn't changed anything. I give up on the Cavs. After that performance Thursday night there is no way I can root for this team. They don't deserve it.

I sat there Wednesday night with Hammer and Fedor and talked about the worst-case scenario. I thought the Cavs needed to get out to an early lead and keep their foot on the throat of the Heat. Then the aggression of the crowd would be channeled into rooting for the Cavs. If the Heat got off to an early lead, then the aggression would go into the face of anybody wearing a Heat jersey. The worst-case scenario played out, only the lack of stones among the Cavs players made it even worse than I imagined.

Before Thursday night, my hatred for LBJ was burning like it did the night of the decision. By the time the game was over I actually hated him less. The way I see it, if the players don't care, then why should I?

There have been questions about who the leader of the Cavs is. I can give you the answer: Lebron James. There has also been a lot of talk about how much power he had over the franchise since he left. Clearly he still has it over the team. To this team, all for one might as well be all for James. The way he just did whatever he wanted on the court was disgusting. He should've been knocked on his ass everytime he stepped in the paint. By halftime I expected Anderson Varejao to get down on all fours so James could use him as a launching pad to his next highlight.

Even more disgusting was the way he just posted up in front of the Cavs bench. It was a perfect opportunity for the players to stand up for themselves, their owner, their city, their fans. And they didn't do a damn thing. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. James knew they wouldn't. To their credit, the fans didn’t get as ugly as I thought they would, but the game didn’t go by without incident. Not that I expected James to care. But I expected the Cavs to, and they clearly didn’t. I don't doubt for a second talking to the bench was a calculated move by James to slap the Cleveland fans in the face yet again. Think of it as his personal attempt to incite a riot.

As much as I love Dan Gilbert, I can't support these players. From what I can see, they're much more interested in being peasants in the king's court than being kings to their fans. The lack of heart is sickening, and I will not support it. So until this team is blown up, consider me out.

I'll be taking my talents to the Oklahoma City Thunder, where Kevin Durant spent his summer handling his business like a professional. This is a man who had the audacity to sign his extension without even holding it over the franchise's head. After the way things played out, he came away smelling like roses, and I’ll throw my name into his fan club. So somebody call me when the Cavs blow it up. Until then, time to Thunder Up!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I’ve got a million things to be thankful for, and working for ESPN Cleveland is definitely near the top of the list. I get to do things I’d never even dreamed of everyday. In the spirit of being thankful, I’ve decided to write about the things I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful for Tony Rizzo and Aaron Goldhammer taking care of me like I’m family.

I’m thankful for Casey Kulas taking me out for a nice spaghetti day and basically teaching me how to get a job at ESPN Cleveland.

I’m thankful that Jason Gibbs lets me get away with joking about things like doing blow with Ron Washington and tying up a hot chick in studio on the air. You know me, keeping it classy.

I’m thankful that Chris Fedor isn’t as negative in life as he is about Cleveland sports. I still maintain he hates Cleveland though.

I’m thankful for Betsy’s Gametime: Hustler promos.

I’m thankful for Munch just being Munch.

I’m thankful for Emily always helping me and putting up with me yelling dirty things in the office.

Like Emily, I’m thankful for Betty letting me get away with my dirty sense of humor.

I’m thankful for Roda’s casting couch. Except for when Intern Chris is on it.

I’m thankful that Keith Williams hasn’t fired me, although I’ve probably given him cause a few times.

I'm thankful for my meetings every morning with TJ Zuppe about meetings.

I’m thankful that Pat escapes the everyday.

I’m thankful for my trips to Columbus with Will Burge. We now have enough dirt on each other that we’re forced to be friends, for better or worse (probably worse).

I’m thankful for Greg Brinda being cranky.

I’m thankful that Sabrina Parr continually says things that get her in trouble. It’s just hilarious to me.

I’m thankful that I’ve never crossed LeCharles Bentley and Je’Rod Cherry.

I’m thankful for Sam’s accessorizing. I don’t think I’ve ever walked by his office where he wasn’t wearing an Indians helmet or a Cavs foam finger.

I’m thankful for Bobby for giving me a job that is giving me gray hair at the age of 24.

I’m thankful for Nathan good-gaming me every time he passes by.

I’m thankful for Dave Denatale just being awesome.

I’m thankful that Steve doesn’t explode at me even though I interrupt his work about 100 times a day.

I’m thankful that Chris brings to light the fact that Nightmare on Elm Street is more realistic than Pretty Woman.

I’m thankful for Michael Reghi putting trick bag punks in check.

Like the rest of you, I’ve got plenty more to be thankful for, but there’s nothing quite like working at ESPN Cleveland. Enjoy your turkey!

The King of Cleveland

It’s only a few hours away people. The most anticipated free agent class is NBA history. Hell, this could be the most anticipated class in sports history. And at the top of the pile is the King of Cleveland himself, Lebron James. The rumors have been absolutely ridiculous. As I write this, the hot rumor is that Lebron and Chris Bosh will be joining Dwyane Wade in Miami. By the time I finish Lebron will be leaving basketball to star in the sequel to Zombie Strippers, Zombie Strippers 2: Hot Sauce in my Bag. No rumor too shocking in this NBA. All the rumors have sent a large chunk of Cleveland into a pit of despair…but not this guy.

I can see why people would think he is leaving. First of all, this city has a tendency to expect the worst due to the alleged Cleveland sports curse. No need to run through the list, but when you are used to getting the worst, you come to expect it. Second, the media has been spending weeks treating Lebron leaving Cleveland like a foregone conclusion. Depending on the day of the week he’s going to New York, Chicago, New Jersey, Miami, or even Los Angeles. Finally, Lebron hasn’t done the fans any favors by spending years now refusing to commit to Cleveland.

Despite all this, I’m 100% confident that Lebron James will stay, and here are my reasons:

#1: Lebron James owns this city. There is absolutely no personality that can even come close to touching the persona that is Lebron James in Cleveland. I’m certainly not seeing any Indians players getting giant billboards, or any Browns. He knows that this city depends on him. He has a huge impact socially and economically, and that is magnified even more because he’s a local kid. Look at any other city that is attached to him, and he’s another big fish in another big pond. Which leads into my next point…

#2: Lebron needs to be the top dog. His ego wouldn’t allow anything less. You’ll have that when you’re one of the world’s greatest athletes. Let’s be honest. Lebron probably refers to Lebron in the third person. He probably loves all of this right now. An entire city hanging on his every move. Lebron doesn’t want Lebron sharing the spotlight with Jeter, Kobe, Jordan, etc. Handling this the way he has gets him even more attention, and it sets up for a glorious return.

#3: C.R.E.A.M. History has shown us that when athletes say it’s not about money, it’s about one thing: the money. I don’t see Lebron leaving $30 mil on the table in this economy, and you know the Cavs won’t even consider a sign-and-trade. However…

#4: Maybe it actually is about winning with Lebron. If that’s the case, where does he have the best shot? Has to be Cleveland. All things considered, he’s not going to Miami to play second fiddle to Wade. New York has made losing an art form, as have the Clippers. New Jersey was historically bad last year. People make a big deal of the Russian billionaire, like having money somehow makes you a great owner (see: Snyder, Dan). Chicago can offer Derrick Rose. Lebron needs the ball to work. Derrick Rose needs the ball to work. There’s strike one. The rest of the Bulls roster isn’t that great, probably equal to the Cavs at best. People throw out Noah like he’s the second coming of Christ when in reality he’d be a bench player on most playoff teams. That’s not much of an incentive to go, and don’t talk to me about Chris Bosh. He’s going to every team in the league right now. So that’s strike two. Finally, the Bulls are a historically stingy franchise. Does anyone really see them getting two max guys and then paying Derrick Rose? Don’t think so, which makes this a dumb move for LBJ. Strike three.

#5: This is home, and we’ve all been led to believe that Lebron cares deeply about this city. If nothing else, his brand is built around loyalty, commitment, etc. Leaving could shatter an image that has been built up for years. Image aside, we know he’s a mama’s boy, and his crew is super-close. Leaving changes the whole dynamic of his life. A big change for a guy who’s still hanging out with his high school crew. I believe he loves Cleveland, and he’ll choose with his heart.

So there you have it. Like the slogan says. Born here. Raised here. Plays here. STAYS HERE.

Indians Fever I'm Not A Believer

It’s no secret that the Indians have become an afterthought in this town. With the King holding Cleveland hostage and the new Browns regime, the Indians have taken the backseat in Cleveland sports.

I’ve spent my whole life living in Cleveland. I’m 23 (24 this Sunday!), so I was just starting to really come into sports consciousness around the time that the Indians were starting their great ‘90’s run.

My fondest sports memories are of those teams. I remember 1995 like it was yesterday. I was rooting for Carlos Baerga, screaming when I saw T-25, Thomenator come up on the scoreboard at the stadium, and ecstatic when Kenny Lofton signed my hat. The best birthday present I ever received was getting my name on that scoreboard.

Now football is my favorite sport to watch, and basketball is my favorite to play, but baseball is my favorite experience. Or at least it was. It used to be that I could stomach a bad team. A day at the park was still great (and the Jake is a great park to have that experience). But this organization has killed my passion for this sport.

It’s about the lack of hope. At this point the bad Indians almost provide a sense of relief. I’ve realized that I’d rather have this bad team than a good one where we trade everyone I root for away at the first sign of trouble. Nothing is more of a big "suck it" to your fan base than getting rid of players without even trying to sign them. I get that guys will leave and you want something for them. But they don’t always leave. This is still a great town, and for every Albert Belle or Manny Ramirez there is a Kenny Lofton or Omar Vizquel.

Then you get the prospects. Baseball 101 will tell you that prospects will either fail or succeed. But if you’re an Indians fan it’s a lose-lose. If they fail you get nothing for your great players. If they succeed you’re shipping them out for more prospects. C.C., Cliff, and Victor will tell you. And there’s no doubt in my mind that someday Santana and Sizemore (if he ever comes back to form) will tell you too. And if they somehow manage to stumble into a winning season, then they’ll still trade the stars at the first sign of trouble, and go on about that season like it was the greatest ever until the next one (remember how the Tribe was one win away from the World Series? That’s right, you do because the Dolan’s won’t let you forget).

There was a time when the Indians were the world. I’d wake up, play baseball, eat, and watch the Tribe. Actually going to a game made my week. If I could get out of school for it, even better. A decade later, they’d be lucky to get me for an at-bat. I have no faith in this franchise. My attitude is if they’re not going to try, then why should I?

Maybe 1995 spoiled me. But I don’t care. I’m sick of it. I want something to cheer for. I want a commitment to winning. I want to be passionate about the Indians again. But I know it won’t happen. And that’s what makes the Indians so soul-crushing.

I want you to want me

Salutations all,

As this is my first blog, I will dedicate it to telling you about something very important: me!

As I write this, I’m assuming you’re reading for one of three reasons: 1. You’re a fan of the Really Big Show, and you’ve always thought, gee, I wonder what Tim/Grasshopper thinks about (insert topic), 2. You’re already a friend of mine, or 3. You just stumbled upon this. In any case I’m here to entertain.

I was born and raised in Cleveland, and when it comes to sports I generally feel the same way you all do. The Indians have crushed my passion for baseball, I drink the kool-aid on the Browns every summer, and I expect a national championship from the Buckeyes every year. The main difference between you and I would probably be that I’m 100% in belief that Lebron James is staying in Cleveland.

My schooling career began at Our Lady of Angels, and went on to St. Ed’s. It’s a weird thing going to an all guy school. It’s literally the most fun you can have without the opposite sex, yet 90% of people who haven’t done it don’t see how you could. I am also a proud Falcon from THE Bowling Green State University. I don’t ever plan to tell any tales of debauchery here, but I’ve met fellow BG alums (no names please), and we’ve brought each other to tears telling stories. Chances are if you went to there you’ve got at least one incredibly ridiculous story to tell.

My interests are a combination of nerdery (pretty sure this isn’t a word), sports, and pop culture. I get way too excited for anything regarding Batman, I read books like Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies, and I become infatuated with the stupidest things (see: Zombie Strippers). I despise reality TV, but when I run into Daisy of Love I can’t change the channel. I’m addicted to It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Dexter, Rescue Me, and Californication. Musically, I’m all over the place. I love classic rock more than anything. One thing you should know: I have a dog, and I’ve named him after the most amazing band ever. His name? Zeppelin. I’m also big into Rise Against, Smashing Pumpkins, and Weezer. I mix in a little rap and even less country. I’m not from the Chris Fedor school of music, but I throw in a little Katy Perry and Lady Gaga from time to time as well.

I have an incredibly dirty sense of humor. The kind that would have the FCC pushing for the death penalty. To this day when I meet Really Big Show fans they bring up me telling the RJ Boland’s chick I wanted to tie her down, and when I said I liked Ms. Pac-Man because “she swallows.” I’ve also had numerous Bonus Round questions that Rizz has flat out refused to use. This all pales in comparison to my brand of comedy outside of 9am-noon, although I can tell you that someday there will be a gloryhole question on the Bonus Round.

When it comes to working on the Really Big Show, it’s something I sort of fell into. I came to ESPN Cleveland to do marketing and promotions. Actually being on the radio never once crossed my mind. Then Hammer asked me to work on the Really Big Show. A couple thousand Bonus Round questions later and I’m having a blast. It’s sort of surreal, both working on RBS and everything else that’s gone on at ESPN Cleveland. Not many people can say Michael Reghi and Mark “Munch” Bishop broke down their eighth grade football championship on the radio, and not many people can say they’ve had Tony Rizzo shout them out on twitter (http://twitter.com/RizzGood2BAlive/status/14521750355). I also doubt anybody else has had Greg Brinda call them “Grass-slopper.” And of course I can’t forget about the great Wink Silvermat. It’s something that I enjoy everyday, and those are just the on-air people!

Well that’s enough word-vomiting for today. Hope you all enjoyed. Stay tuned for the next one. It will be a blog about…something!